What’s going on in Timmy Time?

Friends, I have had to bring you news of many items of corruption, concealed within the television shows that are fed to our children, but during my investigations into Timmy Time, I have discovered not just corruption, but the very filming of the corruption, and it’s broadcast as entertainment to the youth of the world. Not since ‘The Running Man’ has such barbarity been shown as entertainment. Not since ‘The X Factor’ put all first auditions on a big stage in front of a live audience has such debasement of character been mainstreamed. They try to hide the truth of what’s going on by making all of the characters talk in a meaningless babble, like Pokémon of the damned, but the truth is always there for those who have the eyes to see it!

The first inkling of darkness in Timmy Time, comes during the introduction. We see Timmy leaving his weeping mother as he goes off to “school”. Her tears are not of simple awareness of how much she will miss him, look at her face! There’s a gut wrenching pain there, a knowledge that something precious is being taken away from her, and that what she will be getting back will be slightly less. There’s a helplessness in a situation that she cannot escape or alter, and the slow erosion of her son is as unalterable and gradual as an oncoming glacier.

The next scene reveals it all. We see one of the teachers, a heron, closing and locking the gate after Timmy has left. This action is not to keep people out of Timmy’s field, but to keep Timmy’s mother locked in. This is her prison, along with who knows how many more, and every day her child is taken away to be “educated”.

Timmy’s mother was too close to Timmy’s father, who my research has revealed was a politically outspoken freelance journalist. Timmy was too young to remember the night when they came for him, and when they were moved to the field, with the gate that would only be opened to let him out once a day, before being returned after an extensive re-education program.

The oppression is right there for all to see. The teachers are all birds, an owl and a heron! The only authority permitted is from birds! The one thing in every episode that all of the children instantly obey? The cuckoo clock! What ever the Great Cuckoo says, you do it immediately, and joyfully! All animals must obey the Great Cuckoo. Get them while they’re young! The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world! Breed in them an obedience to the effigy, and you will raise in them a loyalty to the reality! The great irony, screaming at all of us. The Cuckoo, usurper of the young. Taking a place in the nest of the children, and growing fat while they starve, slowly pushing out their individualities until all they can say is “Cuckoo”.

The society they exist in is clearly hierarchical. Even the young owl, who can expect some privileges as an avian is keen to show that he knows his place. Whenever he flies, he always sticks close to the ground. He knows not to fly higher than may be permitted, not to seek superiority until it is given to him. What we are seeing, as entertainment, is the slow destruction of Timmy the sheep, and the slow emerging of Timmy the upholder and defender of the superior avian race.

Lastly, Friends, there is the insultingly blatant title. Timmy Time. Timmy does Time. Timmy does Time in a happy smiley friendly place of fun that’s slowly conditioning him to unquestioning supplication and obedience to the totalitarian avian society that seeks to infect the nest of the young with it’s poison, like all good cuckoos do!

The current state of Timmy’s father is unknown. From my continuing investigation the trail becomes colder everyday. Previously obtainable records have vanished, articles he had written now have other authors names attached. His birth certificate no longer exists, and Timmy’s father is officially listed as ‘The Glorious Avian Party’.

Maybe Timmy is the lucky one. He might be able to avoid a life sentence for politically unfavourable opinions in a totalitarian state, as he is young enough to still be malleable, but that is a luxury his mother is not permitted. If Timmy learns the correct lessons, says the right things, thinks the right thoughts, one day there may even be a spot in the party for him!

What’s going on in Charlie and Lola?

Friends, this may be the direst investigation I have undertaken. There are fundamental warning signs in Charlie and Lola, that could lead to the end of the world as we know it. Call it what you will, Armageddon, The Apocalypse, End Times, Eschaton, Zombie Uprising, the Millennium Bug finally coming to fruition, or whatever. Charlie and Lola have got a big neon sign and they’re directing our destinies down their own particular avenue of potential futures, and it will not end well for us if we just let it happen!

I know Charlie and Lola look all ‘childhood wonder’, imagination, and pink milk (I’ll come back to that later), and I know that they have a seemingly productive and friendly relationship, but let’s focus on another relationship; one less obvious and far more sinister. The key to unlocking the dread fate Charlie and Lola are leading us towards lies in the singular character of Soren Lorensen, Lola’s imaginary friend.

Let’s start with the biggest giveaway. Soren Lorensen is a ghost. He’s grey, transparent, and seems to be able to fade into the background at will, whenever someone other than Lola (his vassal) is around. So Lola has a ghost that speaks to her, and by comparing likenesses, we can see that Soren Lorensen is certainly a member of Charlie and Lola’s family. Charlie and Lola’s surname is Sonner, which is of German origin, and Lorensen is Nordic, so we can trace the path of Charlie and Lola’s family history from the UK, through Germany, to Scandinavia. This is also backed up by their blonde hair!

Now, friends, we have a Nordic ancestral ghost trying to influence a 5 year old girl. Through my extensive research into Norse mythology, Viking ghosts only arise if their burial sites have been desecrated in some way. This desecration can usually be rectified to release the ghost, but what if the burial site is beyond recovery? Maybe a new Swedish branch of Ikea put their foundations through it, maybe an Icelandic banker buried their ill gotten gains in it, and sealed it with concrete, who knows. The point is that Soren Lorensen will not be able to rest until his burial site is restored or (and this is the important part) Ragnarök has begun!

At Ragnarök, the great final battle between the Norse Gods and the Frost Giants, the Viking warriors who died valiantly in battle will be raised up to fight alongside Odin and Thor etc. against the Frost Giants. In this battle both sides will be defeated, and the world will sink beneath the waves, all but removing humanity from existence! Ragnarök will begin when the great wolf Fenrir breaks the chains that bind him, and this is what Soren Lorensen is seeking to bring about. In his selfish desire to be at peace he will destroy the very world, and he’s using Lola to do it! All of their trips using their imagination, may just be a ruse. Soren Lorensen is using the power of a little girl’s imagination. The trips they take are more vivid than we may realise, and actually show Soren Lorensen piggy backing on Lola’s astral form, as they project themselves around the world, searching for the location of Fenrir!

How is this astral projection accomplished? We have only to look towards Lola’s favourite drink, pink milk. It’s never called strawberry milk, or a milk shake, and the reason is because it does not taste of strawberries, or raspberries or any berries, but something far more sinister and other worldly. The reason the milk is pink is not through any friendly artificial flavourings or colourings, it involves slain enemies, and a simple question. What two colours do you mix to make pink? Once they have found Fenrir, Soren Lorensen will begin the process of trying to free him. This is why Lola is so obsessed with dogs. Soren Lorensen has been conditioning her over the years to see the canine form as a great ally, and something to be played with, so that when Fenrir has been located Lola will not shy away from helping the great wolf!

Friends, the consequences of Soren Lorensen succeeding in his quest for oblivion are indeed dire, and there were times when I would write this folly off as absurd, but during my investigation I stumbled upon an image that may indeed point towards the location of Fenrir, in an isolated mountain range in China, specifically Mount Gongga.

This photograph captured all too familiar shadows on the mountain that might spell the doom for us all. Let us hope that Soren Lorensen continues to confine his search to Northern Europe. The time of Ragnarök may be approaching. The signs are there. My frost free freezer is constantly producing frost at an alarming rate! Keep your heating turned high, friends. It may be the best defence against encroaching Frost Giants!

What’s going on in Sarah & Duck?

There is something amiss in the the world of Sarah & Duck. There’s a lot of insanity, and a lot of strange, but there’s an icicle of torment running through the whole thing. Pinning together the layers like a giant toothpick in an overstuffed foot high burger. It’s easy to get swept away with the disarming quirkiness, but friends, your suspension of disbelief will only lead you away from the disturbing and terrifying source of the horror presented to us and our children.

Let our attention first be drawn to the way that everyone treats Sarah & Duck. No-one bats an eyelid that there’s a young girl, always in the company of a duck, with no sign of her parents (Whom we have never seen!). The truth about these interactions may be far darker than we suspect. Everyone must know, or at least strongly suspect, that Sarah lives without parents, so why is nothing done? The reality is that everyone knows why Sarah lives without parents, and they’re keeping quiet and going along with the whole charade because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t!

Sarah is no ordinary girl, she has the whole town dancing to her tune. She’s planted her flag right in her front garden for all to see, just as a reminder. The thing is, Sarah’s parents aren’t gone; they’re right there as an example, to keep the villagers in check. The extent of Sarah’s powers have not yet been fully determined. It is currently unclear if Sarah’s family has been directly turned into the Shallots , or if the Shallots were placed there as a mocking effigy over their remains. Either way the similarity between the Shallots’ home and a fresh grave is indisputable!

More evidence of her thrall over the townsfolk is how the rest of them treat her. The Scarf Lady is a prime example! Scarf Lady will knit anything for Sarah, no matter how ridiculous or how short notice. Circus costumes for the Shallots – no problem, a tree warmer – of course dear, why not? The reason for this immediate and unquestioning obedience can be deduced from Scarf Lady’s interactions with Bag. Scarf Lady and Bag bicker, and correct each other, and carry on exactly like an old married couple. This is because they are! At some point in the past Scarf lady either didn’t make Sarah a knitted object quickly/compliantly enough, or maybe she knitted her a duck, when she wanted a lemon, and so Sarah used her god like powers to change her husband into a bag, just as a reminder to Scarf Lady to know her place. Scarf Lady isn’t even her real name, my research says that it’s Elsie, but just like everything else in this child’s plaything all the names of everyone else has been replaced with a simplistic descriptor; Plate Girl, Ribbon Sisters, Scooter Boy, Bread Man etc.

This brings us to the narrator. The invisible voice that everyone can hear and interact with. This is the real kicker, friends. The proof that Sarah’s imagination and will is bleeding out into her surroundings with terrifying and devastating effects. Everyone can hear her internal monologue all the time! It’s there to give her prisoners an indication of what she wants them to do. To let them know what adventures She and her sinister and monosyllabic companion will go on, and what part everyone she meets will play over the next 10 minutes, when to jump through the hoops, and when to smile sweetly.

Further evidence of Sarah’s god powers can be shown with her non-human acquaintances. She has used her abilities to bring rainbows, a cake, umbrellas, and even the Moon to life for her own sick amusement! Without the Moon in orbit seasonal changes would become increasingly erratic, and lead to widespread chaos across the globe. As the weather in Sarah & Duck is not world devastating, we can only conclude that Sarah can affect the very motion of the planet itself through space.

Global warming

Friends, there is nothing we can do against this power. All we can do is hope that she remains content, isolating herself in that town and away from the general public. Those poor souls trapped with her may yearn for death, but the true extent of her talents may even be able to abate that. Let us hope that they find comfort in the perpetually happy nightmare they find themselves in, and that there are some cakes there that won’t scream when you try to eat them.

What’s going on in Boj?

It never ceases to amaze me, the number of people who are simply closed off to all of the signs resplendent in Boj. No-one wants to accept what’s happening! Some people just aren’t ready to accept the truth, but this is the truth and it’s there whether you want it to be or not! Delusion is a happy state to be in, but if truth is more important to you than comfort, then read on. If not you can always pretend that no-one was ever questioning your happy state of affairs and go back to candy crush.

Let me peel back the layers of the onion that is Boj. Each layer a structure of lies designed to mislead those unfortunate enough to examine them. Boj is a backwards onion! With each layer you peel away, the onion gets less fresh and appealing as we get closer to the source of the corruption. The true reason that the layers are there, and the secret that they’re trying to hide. Each episode takes you further from the centre, but friends, I’m slicing right through the middle and I’m taking you with me!

The character of Boj is an adult telling stories about his life when he was a child. This is obvious and indisputable once you consider a very key point of evidence. Boj is constantly digging holes, and arriving in peoples gardens and occasionally inside their houses. Obviously if someone was digging holes into your garden/house you might be a little cross, but no matter who it is who owns the new mole hill/death trap, they are always happy to see Boj. This would never happen! Of course the land owner is going to tell Boj to stop mucking up their garden, but adult Boj doesn’t recount this point in his story. Either he doesn’t because he wants to make himself look better in the story, or he’s completely oblivious to criticism. Either one can point towards a narcissistic personality disorder, which will only become more apparent as we go on. Thus we can prove that the episodes of Boj are a retelling from Boj’s perspective at a later date.

Given that Boj’s ‘Pops’ is a professional musician, it seems surprising that he only knows 3 songs, and just replaces the words with mostly gibberish in order to fit the situation. Surely a professional musician would have a plethora of songs, a myriad even! Boj on the other hand is not a professional musician and so it comes as no surprise that all of Pops’ songs are the same, when retold by Boj.

Another indication that this is a retelling from an older Boj is that Boj never does anything wrong. He is never responsible for any accident or mishap, and he is always the one who solves the problems. In the telling Boj wants to make himself out as an ultimate hero with no flaws. This could be a further manifestation of a personality disorder, or the need to make up for a previous tragedy. Considering the representation of Mr Cloppity as the habitual meandering storyteller in Boj’s psyche, we can suspect that adult Boj now occupies a similar position. Living in a shed as some form of caretaker or groundsman. The reason Boj has this position can also be implied from his tales.

I suspect that Giggly Park no longer exists! I suspect that all of Boj’s digging undermined the entire town before it collapsed. The whole area is now a massive sink-hole wasteland, and Boj for his penance must now watch over the area to prevent any further accidents. As part of his vigil he inevitably meets people and tells them stories about the civilisation that used to exist there. I think it is no coincidence that when Boj is tunnelling he always just misses large and important artifacts, ranging from buried treasure to flying saucers. These are also factors that he could blame for the collapse of Giggly Park, and his innocence of their discovery is a further psychological defence for him.

The most concerning aspect of Boj’s tales has not yet been addressed and hints towards a more sinister motivation for his tales. Of all of the characters in Boj’s stories, there is one feature that makes Boj unique, and again passes without question. Boj is the only character who is naked. I don’t know who employs Boj in his surveillance, but I hope they have run a DBS check on him!

What’s going on in Bing?

If you’re reading this, then you have noticed that something doesn’t add up in the world of Bing. There’s a thread of wrongness running through every episode. Maybe your delightful toddler wants to watch every episode, or maybe there’s just a couple that you have to watch over and over and over again! Either way I know you’ve seen it! The corruption below the surface, the relationships that don’t make any sense, the terrible truth at the heart of Bing that causes only the slightest ripples on the surface. Friends, you may not realise the true horror of what’s lurking beneath the saccharine skin. You may only have the odd question that hints towards the truth (Why is Flop smaller than Bing?, Where are Bing’s parents?, and Where are the grown ups?), but you have never experienced the sleep shattering truth that answers these questions, and the tortured hell that the characters are forced to live in!

If you want to go back to your cosy bubble of permanent sunshine and Flops never ending patience click away now, but if something nags at you to find out the truth behind your questions about Bing, then read on, but know that there is no comfort or solace in what I am about to reveal, only the infested core of a corrupt and diseased Orwellian nightmare!

Let us begin with the obvious things that you will have seen, but may not have noticed. There are no parents in Bing, only carers/guardians. The parents are never mentioned or referred to. The guardians are all knitted creatures attempting to imitate animal forms. The guardians run everything, they drive the cars, they run the shops, they control the activities.

The whole town that Bing lives in is an isolated and controlled fiction. An experiment. The guardians are knitted, therefore they’re manufactured to some extent; they have been artificially created by forces unknown with a nefarious purpose in mind! Beneath the cuddly woollen exterior lies a terminator-esque metallic endoskeleton. An unfeeling emotionless machine designed to mimic aspects of parental care. No living parent, guardian, or Blue Peter presenter can match the patience of Flop, and so we must conclude that Flop is not living!

At some point in the past Bing must have gotten cross with Flop, the argument may have been meaningless, but toddlers gonna toddle. Bing is clearly larger than Flop. Flops arms are skinny and Bings are not. Flop has infinite patience, is unlikely to fight back, and would only utter comforting sounds should things turn nasty. In the event of a fight Bing would win, and we can only imagine the red glow fading from Flops metallic eyes, poking through the torn wool and stuffing, as his machinery fails. Shortly before an identical Flop emerges from a cupboard, and tells Bing not to worry about it, as together they clean up the mess of the no longer functioning guardian.

We can only conclude that the guardians are there to test the effects of certain behaviours around infant children! We know that Flop represent patience, and the result is a wimp. Bing is incredibly wet. He takes no responsibility for his actions and falls apart at the slightest provocation, instantly requiring reassurance and for someone else to sort his problems out. Pay heed parents, getting irritated and bored with your charges may produce better people! Padget’s always cheerful, and all she does is enable Pando’s increasing desire to take his shorts off in public! Coco’s guardian is never seen except in the intro, where she’s on a mobile phone and dumping the kids on Flop. This unnamed figure represents working parents, and has the most well rounded child! So if you’re too busy to spend time with your kids, at least you know that the empirical evidence of the evil organisation that kidnaps infants and places them in the care of synthetic rearers for scientific advancement, shows that you’re doing a good job!

If there’s one take away message from this whole hideous experiment, it’s that even unfeeling machines with the sole purpose of raising children will take advantage of the eternally patient and compliant carer to dump their children onto. Even machines can be dicks.