What’s going on in Sarah & Duck?

There is something amiss in the the world of Sarah & Duck. There’s a lot of insanity, and a lot of strange, but there’s an icicle of torment running through the whole thing. Pinning together the layers like a giant toothpick in an overstuffed foot high burger. It’s easy to get swept away with the disarming quirkiness, but friends, your suspension of disbelief will only lead you away from the disturbing and terrifying source of the horror presented to us and our children.

Let our attention first be drawn to the way that everyone treats Sarah & Duck. No-one bats an eyelid that there’s a young girl, always in the company of a duck, with no sign of her parents (Whom we have never seen!). The truth about these interactions may be far darker than we suspect. Everyone must know, or at least strongly suspect, that Sarah lives without parents, so why is nothing done? The reality is that everyone knows why Sarah lives without parents, and they’re keeping quiet and going along with the whole charade because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t!

Sarah is no ordinary girl, she has the whole town dancing to her tune. She’s planted her flag right in her front garden for all to see, just as a reminder. The thing is, Sarah’s parents aren’t gone; they’re right there as an example, to keep the villagers in check. The extent of Sarah’s powers have not yet been fully determined. It is currently unclear if Sarah’s family has been directly turned into the Shallots , or if the Shallots were placed there as a mocking effigy over their remains. Either way the similarity between the Shallots’ home and a fresh grave is indisputable!

More evidence of her thrall over the townsfolk is how the rest of them treat her. The Scarf Lady is a prime example! Scarf Lady will knit anything for Sarah, no matter how ridiculous or how short notice. Circus costumes for the Shallots – no problem, a tree warmer – of course dear, why not? The reason for this immediate and unquestioning obedience can be deduced from Scarf Lady’s interactions with Bag. Scarf Lady and Bag bicker, and correct each other, and carry on exactly like an old married couple. This is because they are! At some point in the past Scarf lady either didn’t make Sarah a knitted object quickly/compliantly enough, or maybe she knitted her a duck, when she wanted a lemon, and so Sarah used her god like powers to change her husband into a bag, just as a reminder to Scarf Lady to know her place. Scarf Lady isn’t even her real name, my research says that it’s Elsie, but just like everything else in this child’s plaything all the names of everyone else has been replaced with a simplistic descriptor; Plate Girl, Ribbon Sisters, Scooter Boy, Bread Man etc.

This brings us to the narrator. The invisible voice that everyone can hear and interact with. This is the real kicker, friends. The proof that Sarah’s imagination and will is bleeding out into her surroundings with terrifying and devastating effects. Everyone can hear her internal monologue all the time! It’s there to give her prisoners an indication of what she wants them to do. To let them know what adventures She and her sinister and monosyllabic companion will go on, and what part everyone she meets will play over the next 10 minutes, when to jump through the hoops, and when to smile sweetly.

Further evidence of Sarah’s god powers can be shown with her non-human acquaintances. She has used her abilities to bring rainbows, a cake, umbrellas, and even the Moon to life for her own sick amusement! Without the Moon in orbit seasonal changes would become increasingly erratic, and lead to widespread chaos across the globe. As the weather in Sarah & Duck is not world devastating, we can only conclude that Sarah can affect the very motion of the planet itself through space.

Global warming

Friends, there is nothing we can do against this power. All we can do is hope that she remains content, isolating herself in that town and away from the general public. Those poor souls trapped with her may yearn for death, but the true extent of her talents may even be able to abate that. Let us hope that they find comfort in the perpetually happy nightmare they find themselves in, and that there are some cakes there that won’t scream when you try to eat them.

What’s going on in Boj?

It never ceases to amaze me, the number of people who are simply closed off to all of the signs resplendent in Boj. No-one wants to accept what’s happening! Some people just aren’t ready to accept the truth, but this is the truth and it’s there whether you want it to be or not! Delusion is a happy state to be in, but if truth is more important to you than comfort, then read on. If not you can always pretend that no-one was ever questioning your happy state of affairs and go back to candy crush.

Let me peel back the layers of the onion that is Boj. Each layer a structure of lies designed to mislead those unfortunate enough to examine them. Boj is a backwards onion! With each layer you peel away, the onion gets less fresh and appealing as we get closer to the source of the corruption. The true reason that the layers are there, and the secret that they’re trying to hide. Each episode takes you further from the centre, but friends, I’m slicing right through the middle and I’m taking you with me!

The character of Boj is an adult telling stories about his life when he was a child. This is obvious and indisputable once you consider a very key point of evidence. Boj is constantly digging holes, and arriving in peoples gardens and occasionally inside their houses. Obviously if someone was digging holes into your garden/house you might be a little cross, but no matter who it is who owns the new mole hill/death trap, they are always happy to see Boj. This would never happen! Of course the land owner is going to tell Boj to stop mucking up their garden, but adult Boj doesn’t recount this point in his story. Either he doesn’t because he wants to make himself look better in the story, or he’s completely oblivious to criticism. Either one can point towards a narcissistic personality disorder, which will only become more apparent as we go on. Thus we can prove that the episodes of Boj are a retelling from Boj’s perspective at a later date.

Given that Boj’s ‘Pops’ is a professional musician, it seems surprising that he only knows 3 songs, and just replaces the words with mostly gibberish in order to fit the situation. Surely a professional musician would have a plethora of songs, a myriad even! Boj on the other hand is not a professional musician and so it comes as no surprise that all of Pops’ songs are the same, when retold by Boj.

Another indication that this is a retelling from an older Boj is that Boj never does anything wrong. He is never responsible for any accident or mishap, and he is always the one who solves the problems. In the telling Boj wants to make himself out as an ultimate hero with no flaws. This could be a further manifestation of a personality disorder, or the need to make up for a previous tragedy. Considering the representation of Mr Cloppity as the habitual meandering storyteller in Boj’s psyche, we can suspect that adult Boj now occupies a similar position. Living in a shed as some form of caretaker or groundsman. The reason Boj has this position can also be implied from his tales.

I suspect that Giggly Park no longer exists! I suspect that all of Boj’s digging undermined the entire town before it collapsed. The whole area is now a massive sink-hole wasteland, and Boj for his penance must now watch over the area to prevent any further accidents. As part of his vigil he inevitably meets people and tells them stories about the civilisation that used to exist there. I think it is no coincidence that when Boj is tunnelling he always just misses large and important artifacts, ranging from buried treasure to flying saucers. These are also factors that he could blame for the collapse of Giggly Park, and his innocence of their discovery is a further psychological defence for him.

The most concerning aspect of Boj’s tales has not yet been addressed and hints towards a more sinister motivation for his tales. Of all of the characters in Boj’s stories, there is one feature that makes Boj unique, and again passes without question. Boj is the only character who is naked. I don’t know who employs Boj in his surveillance, but I hope they have run a DBS check on him!

What’s going on in Bing?

If you’re reading this, then you have noticed that something doesn’t add up in the world of Bing. There’s a thread of wrongness running through every episode. Maybe your delightful toddler wants to watch every episode, or maybe there’s just a couple that you have to watch over and over and over again! Either way I know you’ve seen it! The corruption below the surface, the relationships that don’t make any sense, the terrible truth at the heart of Bing that causes only the slightest ripples on the surface. Friends, you may not realise the true horror of what’s lurking beneath the saccharine skin. You may only have the odd question that hints towards the truth (Why is Flop smaller than Bing?, Where are Bing’s parents?, and Where are the grown ups?), but you have never experienced the sleep shattering truth that answers these questions, and the tortured hell that the characters are forced to live in!

If you want to go back to your cosy bubble of permanent sunshine and Flops never ending patience click away now, but if something nags at you to find out the truth behind your questions about Bing, then read on, but know that there is no comfort or solace in what I am about to reveal, only the infested core of a corrupt and diseased Orwellian nightmare!

Let us begin with the obvious things that you will have seen, but may not have noticed. There are no parents in Bing, only carers/guardians. The parents are never mentioned or referred to. The guardians are all knitted creatures attempting to imitate animal forms. The guardians run everything, they drive the cars, they run the shops, they control the activities.

The whole town that Bing lives in is an isolated and controlled fiction. An experiment. The guardians are knitted, therefore they’re manufactured to some extent; they have been artificially created by forces unknown with a nefarious purpose in mind! Beneath the cuddly woollen exterior lies a terminator-esque metallic endoskeleton. An unfeeling emotionless machine designed to mimic aspects of parental care. No living parent, guardian, or Blue Peter presenter can match the patience of Flop, and so we must conclude that Flop is not living!

At some point in the past Bing must have gotten cross with Flop, the argument may have been meaningless, but toddlers gonna toddle. Bing is clearly larger than Flop. Flops arms are skinny and Bings are not. Flop has infinite patience, is unlikely to fight back, and would only utter comforting sounds should things turn nasty. In the event of a fight Bing would win, and we can only imagine the red glow fading from Flops metallic eyes, poking through the torn wool and stuffing, as his machinery fails. Shortly before an identical Flop emerges from a cupboard, and tells Bing not to worry about it, as together they clean up the mess of the no longer functioning guardian.

We can only conclude that the guardians are there to test the effects of certain behaviours around infant children! We know that Flop represent patience, and the result is a wimp. Bing is incredibly wet. He takes no responsibility for his actions and falls apart at the slightest provocation, instantly requiring reassurance and for someone else to sort his problems out. Pay heed parents, getting irritated and bored with your charges may produce better people! Padget’s always cheerful, and all she does is enable Pando’s increasing desire to take his shorts off in public! Coco’s guardian is never seen except in the intro, where she’s on a mobile phone and dumping the kids on Flop. This unnamed figure represents working parents, and has the most well rounded child! So if you’re too busy to spend time with your kids, at least you know that the empirical evidence of the evil organisation that kidnaps infants and places them in the care of synthetic rearers for scientific advancement, shows that you’re doing a good job!

If there’s one take away message from this whole hideous experiment, it’s that even unfeeling machines with the sole purpose of raising children will take advantage of the eternally patient and compliant carer to dump their children onto. Even machines can be dicks.