If you’re reading this, then you have noticed that something doesn’t add up in the world of Bing. There’s a thread of wrongness running through every episode. Maybe your delightful toddler wants to watch every episode, or maybe there’s just a couple that you have to watch over and over and over again! Either way I know you’ve seen it! The corruption below the surface, the relationships that don’t make any sense, the terrible truth at the heart of Bing that causes only the slightest ripples on the surface. Friends, you may not realise the true horror of what’s lurking beneath the saccharine skin. You may only have the odd question that hints towards the truth (Why is Flop smaller than Bing?, Where are Bing’s parents?, and Where are the grown ups?), but you have never experienced the sleep shattering truth that answers these questions, and the tortured hell that the characters are forced to live in!
If you want to go back to your cosy bubble of permanent sunshine and Flops never ending patience click away now, but if something nags at you to find out the truth behind your questions about Bing, then read on, but know that there is no comfort or solace in what I am about to reveal, only the infested core of a corrupt and diseased Orwellian nightmare!
Let us begin with the obvious things that you will have seen, but may not have noticed. There are no parents in Bing, only carers/guardians. The parents are never mentioned or referred to. The guardians are all knitted creatures attempting to imitate animal forms. The guardians run everything, they drive the cars, they run the shops, they control the activities.
The whole town that Bing lives in is an isolated and controlled fiction. An experiment. The guardians are knitted, therefore they’re manufactured to some extent; they have been artificially created by forces unknown with a nefarious purpose in mind! Beneath the cuddly woollen exterior lies a terminator-esque metallic endoskeleton. An unfeeling emotionless machine designed to mimic aspects of parental care. No living parent, guardian, or Blue Peter presenter can match the patience of Flop, and so we must conclude that Flop is not living!
At some point in the past Bing must have gotten cross with Flop, the argument may have been meaningless, but toddlers gonna toddle. Bing is clearly larger than Flop. Flops arms are skinny and Bings are not. Flop has infinite patience, is unlikely to fight back, and would only utter comforting sounds should things turn nasty. In the event of a fight Bing would win, and we can only imagine the red glow fading from Flops metallic eyes, poking through the torn wool and stuffing, as his machinery fails. Shortly before an identical Flop emerges from a cupboard, and tells Bing not to worry about it, as together they clean up the mess of the no longer functioning guardian.
We can only conclude that the guardians are there to test the effects of certain behaviours around infant children! We know that Flop represent patience, and the result is a wimp. Bing is incredibly wet. He takes no responsibility for his actions and falls apart at the slightest provocation, instantly requiring reassurance and for someone else to sort his problems out. Pay heed parents, getting irritated and bored with your charges may produce better people! Padget’s always cheerful, and all she does is enable Pando’s increasing desire to take his shorts off in public! Coco’s guardian is never seen except in the intro, where she’s on a mobile phone and dumping the kids on Flop. This unnamed figure represents working parents, and has the most well rounded child! So if you’re too busy to spend time with your kids, at least you know that the empirical evidence of the evil organisation that kidnaps infants and places them in the care of synthetic rearers for scientific advancement, shows that you’re doing a good job!
If there’s one take away message from this whole hideous experiment, it’s that even unfeeling machines with the sole purpose of raising children will take advantage of the eternally patient and compliant carer to dump their children onto. Even machines can be dicks.